I miss the jerk. It's Christmas, and I'm lonely, and I'm furious at him for leaving, but I still have an ache in my heart for my best friend. Or at least what I thought was my best friend.
He did the SuperDad thing again yesterday, and showed up to both kids' Christmas parties at school, and to our daughter's cheer practice, and it was almost more than I could take. All of that "togetherness," trying to share time with our children, yet not really being together as a family. How am I going to do this for the rest of my life? It's so painful. Will it always hurt this much? What about when he brings his new girlfriend/wife along one day? Will I have to leave the room crying? Will I still be able to slap on my happy face and pretend it doesn't bother me?
At my daughter's cheer class yesterday they had a little "mini-recital" in the practice room to show what they have learned so far, and I tried to sit next to a friend on the opposite end from him, but there wasn't room, so they brought in more chairs and we ended up having to sit side by side. The little show was cute, of course, and try as I might, I couldn't help but make comments to him about it, and about our daughter and various things she has said about her class. Then at one point he leaned back and started to put his arm behind me and stopped - catching himself and realizing what he was doing. And that was the most painful thing of all. It just seemed so natural, just like always - sitting and watching our child together, talking together, etc. My god, we've been together over half our lives. Why all of a sudden are we not anymore? Why all the anger and the hateful comments about "the last 5 years"? I just feel like I'm dealing with a split personality sometimes because he can be so cruel and ugly one day and so normal and nice like I always knew him the next.
I love that he tried to put his arm around me because it helps me to know that a lot of the hateful things he's been saying aren't true. Yet I hate it at the same time, because it hurt so much for him to stop, and to remember where we are today and will be from now on.
He was my lover, my best friend, my soul mate...he could "talk me off the cliff" when I would freak out over things, he helped me deal with my parents, we lost our first baby together and buried her together...we have 20 years of history together that I don't know what to do with now.
I know deep down that I deserve better. I know that he has done a horrible thing. Not just once, but multiple times. I know that I should feel angry and forget about him. But for right now, for this moment, I miss him so much my heart hurts.
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