I still have moments of utter disbelief at my situation in life. How did I end up here? How did we get from this summer, laughing and having a wonderful (or so I thought) family vacation in the Magic Kingdom to this hell we are in now? It's still like a bad dream that I hope to wake from but never do and never will.
And he never fails to remind me that he has been waiting 5 years to do this. Is that not the cruelest thing to say? To wipe away all of my good memories of the last five years? To make me doubt everything I thought real for most of my daughter's entire life? To feel sick at the thought of every one of her precious baby pictures, videos, mementos - all tainted now because the reality was that her daddy was planning his escape all along? What a selfish, evil thing to do. I just can't get over the monster he has become.
And yet I'm going to have to deal with this monster for the rest of my life. He will never go away. Never say goodbye. Never leave me alone. Never be completely gone from my life. Not only that, but I have to turn my precious babies over to him and watch his selfishness hurt them. And the mother bear in me just can't take it.
He let is slip tonight that my son has repeatedly told him that he hates him. And he wants to know why, what he is doing that upsets him, etc., and how to smoothe it all over and make it better. Does he not understand? Is he so naive? How can he not see that he has broken his son's heart - that he's no longer his son's hero anymore? He is so self-centered he just doesn't understand the pain he is causing! Even when I try to tell him how hard it is for them, he says, "Well, I know, because I know how much I'm missing them." Well, no kidding - but it was his choice! "They didn't have a choice - they were left behind," I say, "but I chose to leave you," he says, "not them." Right. Like their little minds can understand that. And then he reminds me how he stayed for "last 5 years," (like it was a punishment) "to get them to a stage where it would be easier on them." What the hell? How is 8 and 6 any easier on anyone? Is there ever an age that's easier for your daddy to abandon you?
Every sentence that comes out of his mouth is all about how he feels, how much he misses them, how hard it was for him for five years, how hard it is for him now, etc., etc., etc. I just want to scream! I have never in my life heard such selfish nonsense. But then of course, he ends it with, "But I just want to do what's best for the kids." Right. Like he really has their best interests at heart. How can I protect my children from this selfish idiot? Because we all know it's not about them - it's all about him right now. And it may be like this for the rest of their lives.
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2 comments:
Oh, my gosh, Scarlet D, I am SO sorry. I just cannot believe how selfish he is being.
Are you all in any counseling at all? Wold having a third person there help him to understand what he is doing? Or a parenting coach?
At the lowest point, my husband told me that even when we were dating, he thought he could do better. You are so right - it does just taint every memory.
Is there any way to get through to him? Our counselor would say, ok, you are separating, but there's a right way and a wrong way to do that, too.
I certainly hope we are still friends. I've "felt bad" that things might turn around for me and not you, and I sincerely hope I can be helpful to you during this tough, tough time.
Please treat yourself right.
How incredibly self-centered he's being. And I'm sure he's completely oblivious to it.
Try not to listen when he says things like he's been waiting 5 years. He's just trying to rewrite the past to make his current actions seem somehow justified.
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