Well, it looks like I am finally back online, and hopefully this *&^# modem will not conk out on me like the last 2 have. I have had an unbelievable few weeks, with everything from computer problems to a new dog with allergies!
And yes, as you can see by the title, yesterday was one tough day, as I reached the 10th, which marked one month since The Jerk moved out. I had no idea it would hit me as hard as it did, but it was quite miserable. In one sense it has gone by incredibly fast, as each day is overwhelming, with so much to do and not enough time to get it all done, thus I stay up until 2 a.m. and wake at 6:30. But on the other, it seems that he's been gone forever, and it can't have only been one month.
I think the thing that is hardest about the death of a marriage is that there is no goodbye. I never got one final hug, one last goodbye and then it's done. I just keep having to deal with him over and over, and the anger and yuck just keeps coming back up like acid in my throat. Will it ever go away? I have really had to set some boundaries for myself with him lately, as he is so much farther along in this process, and so completely detached, that he has no clue (or just doesn't give a rip!) how much some of these interactions are hurting me. For example, he is taking the kids to his parents' house 4 hours away for the weekend before Christmas for 3 nights, and I've reluctantly agreed, with the understanding that I'll have them for the rest of Christmas. But he has a pickup truck, and I have an SUV that we just bought 2 weeks prior to his moving out. So he had the nerve to ask to take the SUV so that there would be more room for the kids' presents, etc. (and I bet he wanted the convenience of the t.v., I'm sure). So I had to think about that a bit, because, after all, he is still the one making the payments on both vehicles. But you know what? That SUV is my safe place. It is one of the few places I can go that I know for a fact that he didn't email or talk on the phone to his "friend," whereas almost every other room in my house has been violated. Plus, since the SUV was so new when he left and he rarely drove it, there are almost no memories of him associated with it, yet my house is full of memories - from the dishes I use (wedding gift), to the comforter that I bought when I was trying to spice up our sex life. There's no way I want him driving my car! So I told him that, and I have to say, although I could tell he thought I was nuts, he at least listened, and respected my boundary about it, and it felt good to express it.
I guess I'm just continually amazed at how quickly he has flipped the switch. How easily he has moved from being together to being apart, when I'll be reading something and think, "Wow, The Jerk would enjoy hearing about this!" and then remember that we don't speak anymore. How does someone just throw away 20 years of history? Obviously he had disconnected a long time ago and I just didn't know it, which makes me feel even more stupid for not seeing the signs. Of course, now in retrospect, I realize a lot of things I should have seen. But who knew? He has even said that he has been "emotionally divorced" for years. Gee. Why didn't someone let me know? I'm just now going on a month. The most painful month of my life.
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3 comments:
I'm glad you're back online - I've been thinking a lot about oyu and worrying you were ok.
I do'nt know how they turn off history, and feelings, and everything else. I don't understand it at all. It is incredibly lonely. I hope you are getting love and support from other sources. Individual counseling has been a lifeline for me. Can you do something fun those three days before Christmas? Something for you? Or maybe something in the house, to reclaim it as yours? Paint your room a wild color you've always wanted. Rearrange the furniture. Just something to change it up.
Hang in there. You've made it through the first month. One day at a time. Take care of yourself.
I agree!! Move some furniture or paint a room. I wish we were going to be home, I would come over and help. Call if you get sad...Love you,
jr
Y'know, pretty much every husband who decides to take off uses a line like "we've really been emotionally divorced for years." It's amazing how alike they all sound. Please, please don't take it personally. They just rewrite history to justify the unjustifiable.
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