The Play in the Audience

Well, tonight was my 3rd grade son's Christmas play at school, and per his request, I had to sit with The Jerk and pretend like everything was just fine. It was the most awkward situation ever - arriving in separate cars; sitting there with our daughter together as a family, yet not really together, never saying more than a few words to each other; finding our son afterwards to congratulate him and take his picture; and The Jerk's quick departure, leaving the three of us to drive home alone again.

I just don't think he had any idea when he left how much his departure would cause the three of us to bond together so tightly. I remember at one point before he left when I made a comment about him "leaving us" and he got very angry and replied, "Don't say that! I'm not leaving the kids, I'm leaving our marriage!" It made no sense whatsoever, and showed how screwed up his thinking is. And now that he's been gone awhile, and I've seen how we've had to join together in a "team effort" approach for survival, I realize he's the one that's left out, and I almost feel sorry for him. Isn't that crazy? Why would I even think that? It's just that it's not something I expected to happen, but thank God that it has. My children have clung to me for security and love, and they seem to know that what their daddy is doing is wrong, without my ever saying anything.

Take tonight, for example. I just assumed that my daughter would use the opportunity with her daddy to climb in his lap and have some cuddle time with him during the play, since she doesn't get to see him much, and I was so worried about how I was going to handle the emotions that it would bring up in me. But the exact opposite happened. She spent the entire time in my lap, snuggling, and kissing me, and I so enjoyed every minute of our time together, and it wasn't stressful at all, but beautiful and sweet.

Yes, the three of us are weathering some pretty strong emotional storms together around here, and he is missing out. Yet when they go to his house, they feel pressured to slap on a happy face and "have fun!" no matter how they feel, because that's what he expects them to do. The silly, "let's play!" mentality doesn't match what they feel inside, nor what they know to be true, so they feel frustrated and angry, and by the time they get home, they are exhausted from wearing the mask for so long. Why can't he just be a dad instead of trying so hard to be a 13-year old playmate? Why can't he just let them be real, instead of trying to make them feel something they're not?

I know what it's like to wear a mask, and it's so miserable. And I'm tired of wearing one out in public many days when I see people we've known for years and they ask how I'm doing, and I lie and say "fine." Do they really want to know? Because I'd be glad to tell them, but then they start to look really uncomfortable. They don't want to know that we've been living in separate houses for the last month and are on our way to a divorce. Isn't that sad? Sad that we live in such an isolated world where we all wear masks, and nobody knows or cares about our pain. And I know I'm not the only one in the audience in pain, either. I bet if I could see into the homes of many of the "perfect families" tonight, I would see that there's a lot of pain, but people are so damn private about it.

I bet there were a lot of masks on in the audience tonight. More than on the stage. I know my family had them on. We were putting on our own play in the audience. I wonder how we did. Was anybody fooled?