Well, it's been confirmed. My SOB ex is, indeed on a rendevous weekend somewhere with his online girlfriend. I am so relieved to finally know that my instincts were right, that I can trust my gut feelings. I needed to know if I was just being paranoid and jealous, or if my intuition was correct, as I apparently don't have the best history of knowing when he is lying. But I think it's safe at this point to just assume the worst until proven otherwise.
I am torn between two modes of thinking. On the one hand, I envision them having a romantic, fantasy-filled Valentine weekend on the East coast, full of passionate sex, and I am furious - angry that he can't even have the self-control to wait until the divorce is final (or filed, for that matter!) to get it on with his trampy internet girlfriend. But then, on the other hand, I am reminded of two very important factors: in the real world he is 1) not the best conversationalist; nor 2) the best lover. So this weekend may not turn out to be what either of them are expecting anyway, and she can have him. Plus, for all he knows, she may be 20 years older or 200 pounds heavier than he expected. (Just thank God he has already had a little "procedure", so I don't have to worry about any progeny resulting from this encounter.)
My other dilemma is that I have been played for the fool for so long, with his lying and getting away with it for all these years, that I would love to take a little bit of his joy away from this trip by letting him know that I know what's going on this time. But how? When he calls for the kids, say something outright, like, "Say hi to your girlfriend for me!" or should I say something more cryptic, and leave him wondering if I know? Or do I just ignore it and let it play out on it's own, hoping he will self-destruct? Patience has never been my strong point, and it's killing me now.
What would you do?
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Real life is messy
January was a hard month. I am so thankful it is over. Ever since my ex left in November, we've had one holiday after another: the traditional three - Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's; and then our lucky family has an additional triple-treat in January - ex's b-day, our anniversary, and my son's b-day. It's been one, loooong celebration, most of which I haven't felt like celebrating, but I've had to keep up with all of the traditions for the sake of my children, who have wanted more than ever for things to "be like they always are" even though their daddy is not here anymore. So I've slapped a smile on my face and pushed through it all and done it. And I must say that it's been exhausting.
Now finally, it's over. Except for Valentine's Day, which is, of course, just around the corner. Since our anniversary was in January, and since I was such a nice wife, I usually gave my ex a pass for v-day, so it's not that sentimental to me, although I have to admit that I'm getting a little tired of all the romantic commercials, etc., especially while wondering if I am going to spend the rest of my life alone.
Do I sound a little bitter this evening? Maybe it's because I am taking my daughter to therapy tomorrow because she is not adjusting well to this whole situation. Every time she comes home from a weekend at her dad's she is completely out-of-control, alternating between hyperactive, physical aggression with her brother and curling up in my lap like a baby and sucking her thumb. (She is 6 and hasn't broken the thumb habit. Yes, I know it's past time, but now is not the time to deal with it.) I don't know what goes on over there, and I don't want to ask too many questions, but she is having a very hard time processing her emotions about it all, and really seems to need some help. The ex has been gone 3 months now, and the poor baby has yet to cry and let any of it out, yet I know she is stuggling inside and I don't know how to help her anymore. My son (age 9) is able to talk about it, get angry, cry, and generally process his feelings about it all, but she just seems stuck, so I'm kind of worried about her.
In addition, the ex is leaving this week for a "business trip" which I am 90% sure is not really business-related, but is merely to meet his online girlfriend and consummate their fantasy relationship. I sincerely hope that it's not all it's been built up to be. It will be interesting to see if he comes back from this "business trip" on Cloud 9 or down in the dumps. How many accounting trips leave on Thursdays, with a full day of travel? None he's ever taken before, I know that.
If I haven't posted in awhile, it's also because my kids had the stomach flu for an entire week. Yes, both at the same time, both coming out both ends, with the stuff spewing everywhere. I couldn't wash the bedding fast enough, nor clean and comfort fast enough, and they finally ended up sleeping on sleeping bags because I ran out of sheets. Great fun! And guess who missed out on it all? You guessed it! Because they don't have projectile vomiting and stomach viruses in online fantasy world! No, it's nice and clean and uncomplicated there! Must be nice.
I really apologize for this crappy, ranting and raving post. I am just so, so tired, and I don't know how to do this single-mother thing. Where's the class? Where's the book? Can someone please teach me how to survive? I need a clone!
I am supposed to be starting a class at church soon where I can meet some other single moms, and I am really looking forward to it. It will be so encouraging to meet other people who are not only surviving, but thriving. I want to thrive in this new life. I want to be the best mom I can be to my kids, but right now the bad days have been outweighing the good by about 2 to 1. Will it ever change?
Now finally, it's over. Except for Valentine's Day, which is, of course, just around the corner. Since our anniversary was in January, and since I was such a nice wife, I usually gave my ex a pass for v-day, so it's not that sentimental to me, although I have to admit that I'm getting a little tired of all the romantic commercials, etc., especially while wondering if I am going to spend the rest of my life alone.
Do I sound a little bitter this evening? Maybe it's because I am taking my daughter to therapy tomorrow because she is not adjusting well to this whole situation. Every time she comes home from a weekend at her dad's she is completely out-of-control, alternating between hyperactive, physical aggression with her brother and curling up in my lap like a baby and sucking her thumb. (She is 6 and hasn't broken the thumb habit. Yes, I know it's past time, but now is not the time to deal with it.) I don't know what goes on over there, and I don't want to ask too many questions, but she is having a very hard time processing her emotions about it all, and really seems to need some help. The ex has been gone 3 months now, and the poor baby has yet to cry and let any of it out, yet I know she is stuggling inside and I don't know how to help her anymore. My son (age 9) is able to talk about it, get angry, cry, and generally process his feelings about it all, but she just seems stuck, so I'm kind of worried about her.
In addition, the ex is leaving this week for a "business trip" which I am 90% sure is not really business-related, but is merely to meet his online girlfriend and consummate their fantasy relationship. I sincerely hope that it's not all it's been built up to be. It will be interesting to see if he comes back from this "business trip" on Cloud 9 or down in the dumps. How many accounting trips leave on Thursdays, with a full day of travel? None he's ever taken before, I know that.
If I haven't posted in awhile, it's also because my kids had the stomach flu for an entire week. Yes, both at the same time, both coming out both ends, with the stuff spewing everywhere. I couldn't wash the bedding fast enough, nor clean and comfort fast enough, and they finally ended up sleeping on sleeping bags because I ran out of sheets. Great fun! And guess who missed out on it all? You guessed it! Because they don't have projectile vomiting and stomach viruses in online fantasy world! No, it's nice and clean and uncomplicated there! Must be nice.
I really apologize for this crappy, ranting and raving post. I am just so, so tired, and I don't know how to do this single-mother thing. Where's the class? Where's the book? Can someone please teach me how to survive? I need a clone!
I am supposed to be starting a class at church soon where I can meet some other single moms, and I am really looking forward to it. It will be so encouraging to meet other people who are not only surviving, but thriving. I want to thrive in this new life. I want to be the best mom I can be to my kids, but right now the bad days have been outweighing the good by about 2 to 1. Will it ever change?
Friday, January 11, 2008
I'm not dead yet
Well, I've finally figured out something pretty significant. My ex has some serious problems. "No kidding?" you say. But over the last few weeks I'm starting to realize more and more that this internet addiction of his has been as troublesome to our marriage as an alcoholic's addiction. And just like any other kind of addict, he cannot see that he has a problem at all. "This is not about the internet," he says. "It's not about another woman," he repeats every time we argue, "it's about our marriage. I had to create a separate world to go to because our marriage was so bad." Right. Is that what normal people do? Create an alternative universe to avoid their personal problems? I think not. I would much prefer that he had divorced me long ago before we had children than to have hidden and played mind games with me all these years.
We had the most surreal conversation the other day. He started talking about going to a divorce ministry class at our church - the same one that I am planning on going to! "Why?" I asked. "Because I want to meet other men who are having to deal with women who are keeping them from their kids!" This is crazy! Not once have I denied him access to the kids. Sometimes I've felt like he's seen them more than I have! I told him that I was planning on going there, and I really did not want to have to see him there. And then the kicker: "Well, I'm mourning the loss of my marriage, too." Ho-ly shit! I couldn't believe my ears. This is what he chose! Who is this nutcase? Is he smoking something? It's like he is creating his own reality now and trying to get me to come live in it. And I finally see the truth and am not falling for it anymore.
I have realized that since he's been gone I am a lot less stressed about trying to please someone all the time - worrying about what he's going to think about this or that, whether he's going to be in a good mood or a grouchy one, etc. I'm still incredibly afraid of my future and whether I can support my family, and he is threatening a custody fight about how often he will have possession of the kids, but on a day-to-day basis, I feel more relaxed here at home. Isn't that strange?
He had his first internet affair the second year of our marriage. Then for the next 13 years he repeatedly rejected me in various ways, both emotionally and physically, while at the same time telling me that I would be so much more attractive to him if I "only had more self-confidence and better self-esteem." God has opened my eyes to the fact that I have basically lived in fear of his leaving me for the last 13 years. And what I feared to be the worst has come true. He left me. And it's been 2 months now. And I'm not dead yet. Actually, I feel quite alive.
We had the most surreal conversation the other day. He started talking about going to a divorce ministry class at our church - the same one that I am planning on going to! "Why?" I asked. "Because I want to meet other men who are having to deal with women who are keeping them from their kids!" This is crazy! Not once have I denied him access to the kids. Sometimes I've felt like he's seen them more than I have! I told him that I was planning on going there, and I really did not want to have to see him there. And then the kicker: "Well, I'm mourning the loss of my marriage, too." Ho-ly shit! I couldn't believe my ears. This is what he chose! Who is this nutcase? Is he smoking something? It's like he is creating his own reality now and trying to get me to come live in it. And I finally see the truth and am not falling for it anymore.
I have realized that since he's been gone I am a lot less stressed about trying to please someone all the time - worrying about what he's going to think about this or that, whether he's going to be in a good mood or a grouchy one, etc. I'm still incredibly afraid of my future and whether I can support my family, and he is threatening a custody fight about how often he will have possession of the kids, but on a day-to-day basis, I feel more relaxed here at home. Isn't that strange?
He had his first internet affair the second year of our marriage. Then for the next 13 years he repeatedly rejected me in various ways, both emotionally and physically, while at the same time telling me that I would be so much more attractive to him if I "only had more self-confidence and better self-esteem." God has opened my eyes to the fact that I have basically lived in fear of his leaving me for the last 13 years. And what I feared to be the worst has come true. He left me. And it's been 2 months now. And I'm not dead yet. Actually, I feel quite alive.
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