Real life is messy

January was a hard month. I am so thankful it is over. Ever since my ex left in November, we've had one holiday after another: the traditional three - Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's; and then our lucky family has an additional triple-treat in January - ex's b-day, our anniversary, and my son's b-day. It's been one, loooong celebration, most of which I haven't felt like celebrating, but I've had to keep up with all of the traditions for the sake of my children, who have wanted more than ever for things to "be like they always are" even though their daddy is not here anymore. So I've slapped a smile on my face and pushed through it all and done it. And I must say that it's been exhausting.

Now finally, it's over. Except for Valentine's Day, which is, of course, just around the corner. Since our anniversary was in January, and since I was such a nice wife, I usually gave my ex a pass for v-day, so it's not that sentimental to me, although I have to admit that I'm getting a little tired of all the romantic commercials, etc., especially while wondering if I am going to spend the rest of my life alone.

Do I sound a little bitter this evening? Maybe it's because I am taking my daughter to therapy tomorrow because she is not adjusting well to this whole situation. Every time she comes home from a weekend at her dad's she is completely out-of-control, alternating between hyperactive, physical aggression with her brother and curling up in my lap like a baby and sucking her thumb. (She is 6 and hasn't broken the thumb habit. Yes, I know it's past time, but now is not the time to deal with it.) I don't know what goes on over there, and I don't want to ask too many questions, but she is having a very hard time processing her emotions about it all, and really seems to need some help. The ex has been gone 3 months now, and the poor baby has yet to cry and let any of it out, yet I know she is stuggling inside and I don't know how to help her anymore. My son (age 9) is able to talk about it, get angry, cry, and generally process his feelings about it all, but she just seems stuck, so I'm kind of worried about her.

In addition, the ex is leaving this week for a "business trip" which I am 90% sure is not really business-related, but is merely to meet his online girlfriend and consummate their fantasy relationship. I sincerely hope that it's not all it's been built up to be. It will be interesting to see if he comes back from this "business trip" on Cloud 9 or down in the dumps. How many accounting trips leave on Thursdays, with a full day of travel? None he's ever taken before, I know that.

If I haven't posted in awhile, it's also because my kids had the stomach flu for an entire week. Yes, both at the same time, both coming out both ends, with the stuff spewing everywhere. I couldn't wash the bedding fast enough, nor clean and comfort fast enough, and they finally ended up sleeping on sleeping bags because I ran out of sheets. Great fun! And guess who missed out on it all? You guessed it! Because they don't have projectile vomiting and stomach viruses in online fantasy world! No, it's nice and clean and uncomplicated there! Must be nice.

I really apologize for this crappy, ranting and raving post. I am just so, so tired, and I don't know how to do this single-mother thing. Where's the class? Where's the book? Can someone please teach me how to survive? I need a clone!

I am supposed to be starting a class at church soon where I can meet some other single moms, and I am really looking forward to it. It will be so encouraging to meet other people who are not only surviving, but thriving. I want to thrive in this new life. I want to be the best mom I can be to my kids, but right now the bad days have been outweighing the good by about 2 to 1. Will it ever change?