I'm not dead yet

Well, I've finally figured out something pretty significant. My ex has some serious problems. "No kidding?" you say. But over the last few weeks I'm starting to realize more and more that this internet addiction of his has been as troublesome to our marriage as an alcoholic's addiction. And just like any other kind of addict, he cannot see that he has a problem at all. "This is not about the internet," he says. "It's not about another woman," he repeats every time we argue, "it's about our marriage. I had to create a separate world to go to because our marriage was so bad." Right. Is that what normal people do? Create an alternative universe to avoid their personal problems? I think not. I would much prefer that he had divorced me long ago before we had children than to have hidden and played mind games with me all these years.

We had the most surreal conversation the other day. He started talking about going to a divorce ministry class at our church - the same one that I am planning on going to! "Why?" I asked. "Because I want to meet other men who are having to deal with women who are keeping them from their kids!" This is crazy! Not once have I denied him access to the kids. Sometimes I've felt like he's seen them more than I have! I told him that I was planning on going there, and I really did not want to have to see him there. And then the kicker: "Well, I'm mourning the loss of my marriage, too." Ho-ly shit! I couldn't believe my ears. This is what he chose! Who is this nutcase? Is he smoking something? It's like he is creating his own reality now and trying to get me to come live in it. And I finally see the truth and am not falling for it anymore.

I have realized that since he's been gone I am a lot less stressed about trying to please someone all the time - worrying about what he's going to think about this or that, whether he's going to be in a good mood or a grouchy one, etc. I'm still incredibly afraid of my future and whether I can support my family, and he is threatening a custody fight about how often he will have possession of the kids, but on a day-to-day basis, I feel more relaxed here at home. Isn't that strange?

He had his first internet affair the second year of our marriage. Then for the next 13 years he repeatedly rejected me in various ways, both emotionally and physically, while at the same time telling me that I would be so much more attractive to him if I "only had more self-confidence and better self-esteem." God has opened my eyes to the fact that I have basically lived in fear of his leaving me for the last 13 years. And what I feared to be the worst has come true. He left me. And it's been 2 months now. And I'm not dead yet. Actually, I feel quite alive.