Well, I'm finally back on the internet, and I have to say I feel pretty proud of myself. I've waited for almost a week for my provider to send a new modem, and it's been excruciating being offline and "unplugged" from the rest of the world, but it finally came today. My first thoughts were ones of hopelessness and helplessness: "How am I going to set it up?" "Who's going to figure out all those wires, etc. without my husband here" etc., as he was the techno geek in the family. But guess what? I did it all by myself, and feel so proud of my little accomplishment of not having to depend on someone else. (By the way, thanks to Which Box for passing along an award and a nod. We seem to be travelling the same road, and I've so missed keeping up with her this week.)
Otherwise my week has been a roller coaster of emotions between feeling really peaceful and o.k. with what's going on and really angry and afraid of what lies ahead. I had a meeting with my counselor, and was quite surprised that he basically advised me to move forward with plans to divorce, as he doesn't see any signs of repentance, recommitment, or hope of reconciliation in my husband. I guess I knew this deep down, too, but hearing it come from someone else just seemed shocking to me, and made it even more real, yet I left feeling almost peaceful, knowing that I don't have to wait for his decision about whether to resuscitate this marriage or not. I have the power to decide as well. I have choices, too. And that felt empowering.
Then the next morning I was insanely furious, after he (what can I call him? I need a name - "the jerk"?) showed up to take the kids to school (his idea for now), and my daughter spilled her milk while taking it to the sink. We were running late because of a previous meltdown that had happened (the kids are extra emotional right now, which is to be expected), and they didn't have on their coats and shoes yet. So I got down on my hands and knees to clean up the milk, and they were scurrying around trying to finish getting ready, and what did he do? Without a word, he walked out and left the chaos and sat in his truck with the engine running like a bus driver. They're still his children! Would it kill him to help with a shoe or a coat, a backpack or a lunch bag? No, he has completely checked out. I was so angry when they left that I wanted to cry. Who is this man? How did we get here? How did we go from intimate conversations and best friends and lovers to this? What happened?
But then I hit rock bottom today at the doctor's office. Everyone has been warning me that the truth about what my husband may have actually done or not done may be worse than what I've been told, and I need to prepare myself for additional details that could surface later. I can't bring myself to even think about that right now, but I was due for an annual gynecological exam anyway, so while I have insurance coverage, I went ahead and made an appointment. Once I told my doctor what has been going on, he advised (as I knew he would) all sorts of extra tests - for HIV and various STDs, etc., and the fears and shame that came along with drawing blood for that was nearly more than I could bear. I kept thinking, "What if...?...Who would take care of my kids?...Who would ever want me again?...I can't take any more bad news right now," and on and on it went, circling downward into the pit of despair until I almost reached a full-fledged panic attack, and couldn't wait to get out of there.
How do women in a divorce situation do this? How do they survive the insanity, all the while working and taking care of their kids and themselves without totally falling apart? I am so tired already, and it's only been three weeks. People ask me how I'm doing, and I have to answer, "O.k. for this hour at least" because my emotions are so varied. Yet everyone keeps telling me how great I'm doing! I don't feel great. I feel exhausted. And when my entire future alone like this stretches out before me I don't think I can do it. Three weeks. The longest, hardest three weeks of my life so far. I never liked roller coasters much anyway.
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It sounds like you are doing everything right for yourself and your kids! I am very proud of you. You know you CAN do this! It's definitely NOT going to be easy but you will get through this. You sound so strong! Of course you're going to have those times where you just have to have a big pity party, eat vast amounts of chocolate and ice cream (or whatever your vice may be), cry for 2 hours, and then pick yourself up and move on. Unfortunately, it just takes time. Pretty soon you'll look back at this time in your life, look and see how far you've come, and you'll see you didn't "need" him and that you're just fine without him. I'm sure he has some very good qualities but no one deserves to be cheated on whether it's internet or in person. You deserve BETTER! Mourn the loss of your marriage but celebrate YOURSELF!! You are empowered!
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