I am so very confused. Maybe I need to reconstruct this blog and change the name, since I don't know what the hell my husband is doing (and neither does he, apparently).
In a nutshell, we've had major codependency problems for years. He can't deal with conflict or any negative emotions and runs away to various addictions, and I'm a classic rescuer who is going to "fix" him. From the moment we met, it's pretty much been the same pattern: I rescue, he falls in line; he resents me, falls back into addiction (usually internet chatting and online romances); I find out or he confesses and wants out; we get counseling, they tell him to shape up; he pretends to change, but on the inside is not dealing with any of the issues; and we start all over again.
The sad thing is it's taken us nearly 14 years to figure out this pitiful cycle we're in and realize it's not working. This awesome class I took (called "Untangling Relationships: A Christian's Perspective of Codependency") showed me so clearly that I needed to break the cycle. So I've changed, and it's been pretty drastic and suddenly. God has really changed my heart about how I've done life for so long, and it's been completely freeing. But the people I used to "do the dance" with - both my husband and my mother - have been left very uncomfortable, not understanding how to interact with me now that I don't rescue them anymore and don't make myself responsible for them and their feelings all the time.
Now my mother the narcissist just digs in her heels and fights with all her might to get things back to the way they were. But my husband is so confused. He starts realizing that everything he's complained about in me for so long is now gone, yet he's still miserable. So what does that mean? That maybe he's got some stuff to work on himself? No way! Could it be?
And now that brings us to the present. When he moved out one week ago today, I was under the assumption that it was just to give me a period of time to get a job, get health insurance, etc., until he files for divorce. I based this on the fact that our last talk before he left was at the counselor's office, where he refused all offers of further assistance, and announced that he was leaving. Yet we met tonight to discuss Thanksgiving plans, and guess what? He has made an appointment with another counselor that he feels more comfortable with to "figure out who I am".
Is this is a good thing? I have been trying for the last week to visualize myself as a divorced mother of two. I don't really know what this information means right now, or if it means anything at all. I don't know if he'll find what he's looking for, and if he does, whether it will include me or not, or even if I want it to at this point. I don't know if I want to have to wait for the years of therapy that it's going to take for him to "find himself," when I could be closing this door, grieving this part of my life, and moving on. I don't know whether to be happy or sad. I don't know how to feel. I don't know anything.
I just know that now it seems maybe a little premature to be named The Scarlet D.
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1 comment:
I've been thinking a lot about you. Obviously I don't know everything that is going on. But still, there are so many parallels. And many things that are not parallel.
I don't know if you read this, I've only touched on it, but my husband and I actually went through this once before, 4 years ago, before my daughter. He was willing to work on things, and we did, but not as much as we should have, obviously. I would give anything to have him willing again, but he is not. I am willing to do a lot of work, change a lot, to keep this together. I am struggling with being a single mom at 40.
There are two websites that were very helpful to us 4 years ago. Marriage Builders and Divorce Busting. (google them, or e-mail me and I will send them to you). Only you can answer whether it is worth it to try. I hope you gain some clarity.
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