To my ex, on Christmas Eve:

Dear Ex,

It feels weird calling you that, since it's not official yet, and I am still wearing this damn ring that I can't get off my finger because it's so damn fat and swollen from all the stress. I think as a present to myself for New Year's I am going to have it cut off to start the new year out fresh. To rid myself of the constant memory of the vows you took so lightly. To continue to wear it feels like living a lie to me, and I, unlike you, am not a good liar.

It is Christmas Eve, and I have just finished doing all the things for the kids - our kids - that we used to do together: decorating the kitchen, making up their "goody bags," making the breakfast foods for tomorrow. All the traditions that we started when they were toddlers and made our very own. I know our son is actually a little old for some of it, but he's the very one who would be upset if it wasn't done exactly the same as every year before.

We've had a hard day here. Your daughter has been miserable and angry all day because she didn't have many new toys to play with "because Daddy took them all to his place." I'm not really sure if that's the truth or not, but that's her perception of it, and because, unlike M. who speaks his mind about everything, she didn't speak up when you took them and is very angry and sad. It's hard for a child to have their stuff spread out at two houses, as M. noticed last week when he ran to the garage to get his bike and realized it wasn't there because it was at your place.

I think it is finally sinking in with A. that you are not coming back. She helped decorate the "Happy Birthday Jesus" cake, and I thought she did a great job, especially for her first time, but of course she was not happy with it and had a meltdown. I told her how proud I was and how happy that she could do so much of it now that she is older, and how next year she could do even more, and she replied that it didn't make any difference, because "Daddy still won't be here next year, either." I think she gets it. I guess you are off the hook from ever having to tell her outright. Lucky you.

I wondered if you were waiting on them to call you tonight, with it being Christmas Eve and all, so I asked them three different times if they wanted to call you, and each time they wanted to "finish what we're doing," or "maybe later", etc., etc. I hope you don't think I am trying to keep them from you in any way, but I am not going to force them to call. You've made your choices, and I am letting them make theirs.

My parents are here, and my narcissistic mother went on the attack again today and it was more than I could bear. I really hate you for leaving me alone with nobody to love me but them - no brothers or sisters, no cousins or close family nearby, just a really unhealthy, emotionally unstable mother who I've worked so hard to get free from. They left tonight before the kids went to bed, even though I asked them not to. Even though I didn't want to be alone on Christmas Eve doing all these things by myself. They are no support emotionally whatsoever. Thanks for nothing.

I just have to know. Are you happy? Is this what you really wanted? You are alone on Christmas Eve as well, I suspect, because even your internet "friends" probably have real lives and real family obligations tonight, unless they've up and left their spouses and kids, too. How does it feel? Is it what you expected? How you always fantasized? Or are you over at your place drunk off your ass numbing your own pain, like you always find some way to do? I guess I'll never really know, will I, because you'll just continue to wear that same damn mask with me, and let me think this is the best thing you've ever done, and remind me once again how long you've waited to do it.

But I'm going to be honest. I'm going to say that every day you are away your children have less and less to say to you; that even if I can't depend on my parents, somehow I will survive this without you; and that next Christmas will have to be better than this one. Please God, I hope so.