I've decided that the best analogy for my marriage right now is that it is on life-support. And my husband has power of attorney to decide if and when to pull the plug. I'm not sure how long I want to live this way - not really dead, yet not really alive either. Not really married, yet not really divorced. Just in limbo - financially dependent on him, waiting for the papers to be served. Don't you think he's probably enjoying that level of control just a bit?
At the urging of my friends, I did go ahead and visit with an attorney, and I'm very glad. It eased my mind that if, after a few months of "finding out who he is" with his internet "friend" he decides he doesn't want to be married anymore, there are a lot of options for keeping his support while I get established. And I got a lot of good advice for what I should be doing financially in the meantime to protect myself should he decide to go on a spending spree with our credit cards.
But I guess the question that I needed answered was "How long?" and nobody can answer that but me. Not that I'm done yet. Not that I wouldn't love to see my family restored and have my children get their daddy back. But for me personally, my heart is so wounded, so damaged by what I've seen of the coldness of his, that I don't know if I could ever forget it. I might even be able to forgive it, but could I ever forget it? To wash this pain from my memory enough to risk letting it back in again? That's the part I'm not really sure about.
So my ultimate question is this: my marriage is on life support. Do I want "Do Not Resuscitate" orders or not?
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This is the million dollar question, isn't it? I wish I had the chance to decide, instead of no choice in the matter.
No matter what you decide, I know it will be what's right for you. It's not easy, though.
Happy thanksgiving. I wish you some peace of mind during this holiday.
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